Slings and Arrows: They Always Come from the Left
by Massimo Gramellini
Translated by Wendell Ricketts
After yesterday’s proclamation by the Boss, we’ve finally got a clear picture of where things stand. Italian judges are Leftists, which is nothing new. Public television, with the exception of Topo Gigio, is Leftist. Seventy-two percent of newspapers are Leftist (not 71 and not 73: 72%; He said it himself). The Constitutional Court is Leftist; the Quirinale, where the President of the Italian Republic lives, is Leftist; referees and umpires are almost always Leftists. Cops who hand out traffic tickets are Leftists. The teachers who give my son “Ds” are Leftists; the neighbor who stinks up our entire building with whatever he’s frying is a Leftist; the woman who stole my parking place is a Leftist, just like the Queen in Snow White, Veronica Lario (Berlusconi’s second wife), and the Constitution: Leftists, every single one.
The alarm clock that wakes you up at 7am is Leftist; having to shave is Leftist; coffee without sugar is Leftist; traffic jams and holes in my socks are Leftist; my hateful boss is a Leftist; my wife nagging me about the errands she wants me to run is an extreme Leftist. The lottery is Leftist, otherwise I’d win. Foreigners, professional comedians, and black cats are Leftists. Paid escorts are Leftists, but only the ones who can’t keep their mouths shut afterward. Cavour (Italy’s first prime minister in 1861) was a Leftist, but so were Indro Montanelli and Frederick I, if that’s the issue. Gianfranco Fini is a Leftist and the weather forecast is, too, at least if it predicts rain. Even I become a Leftist when I have trouble digesting my stewed bell-peppers. In Italy, there’s only one disaster that isn’t Leftist, and that’s the Left.
P.S. Long live Italy, long live Berlusconi! (yes, He said that, too!)